The first days

Life without Pete is...different.  After caring for him for so many years, his death (which I'd anticipated as a "release" for both of us) took me by surprise.  And I'm just taking baby steps to learn how to live by myself after so long. I have no doubt of my capabilities--I've taken care of EVERYTHING for years, but oddly enough I'm worried about my eating habits (preparing food for noone but me). I know I'll be discovering things about life and about myself as time goes on, and that's really the reason I'm writing--it allows me to validate the new insights I have about life, sans Pete.

I haven't actually been alone since Pete's death, since my wonderful sister arrived in a pre-planned visit the day of his death.  She's been working with me in tandem through the immediate after-effects of his absence, through the funeral.  The three kids are back to their lives, and now it'll soon be me and the dog and the cat. To be sure, they're good company, but it's actually feeling so different, so very...odd.

The first thing I noticed last night (as my sister had taken off for the cities for two nights) is that I had no one to whom I could say, "good night--sleep well--see you in the morning!"  The dog snored, the cat batted at my bedroom door at 5 am, and I figure we HAVE to work this out.  I need sleep.

The second thing I noticed is that when I was out of milk, I decided to buy just a half gallon--since there is now half of two at the table.  Just half.  And I wonder what else will seem like half of what used to be.

I know this is a process, this learning to live alone again.  I'm stunned by the fact all we have belongs to me, ONLY to me, and for some reason that feels like a huge responsibility. So I'll sit back and take it easy, and let the transformation and the waves of happiness/grief come and go.

I've yet to open one card of condolence, since my mom's estate sale is upon us--this baby had been scheduled months ago and I'm NOT going to NOT follow through with it.  Though the sale isn't for two days, nearly everything is priced, and I'm getting ready for the chaos to begin--woohoo!  What a beginning to widowhood.