Team work

The responding to those who sent gifts and memorials is time consuming, but I'd wanted to write out my responses to each giver instead of having a pre-printed sentiment inside the cards.  At first I realized (with dread) how long this would take, but now I'm realizing it's therapeutic; it's a way to discover my feelings and emotions. As I respond personally to each giver depending on his/her relationship to Pete, I'm uncovering the depth and breadth of our relationship (Pete's and mine), and it's allowing me to more fully grieve the loss of him.  Initially after his death I felt a big relief for him, but actually more for me...quite selfish perhaps, but I was nearly euphoric with release from a care-giving task I loathed.  I'd felt trapped in a routine and responsibility  that had just materialized unplanned in our relationship.  I wondered (dear God!) when it would end.

So though I know I in no way whatsoever caused Pete's death, there's that little inkling in the back of my mind, well, isn't this what you wished for?  And I realize the loss of Pete isn't just the loss of caring for him, but it's also the loss of my teammate who encouraged me as I cared for him.

Pete often said, "Thanks for doing all you did for me today," as evening approached.  Usually he was very aware of how my life had become focused on him, on how I was increasingly responsible for his care.

And I WAS increasingly responsible for everything--I mean everything around the house and in life in general--taxes, bills, our social relationships, our health, our house, lawn, pets, insurance, housework, gifts, laundry, car care and maintenance, to say nothing of grocery shopping and cooking, etc.  But what I'm becoming aware of now is that doing these things after Pete's death is more of a chore--I do them more begrudgingly and I've wondered why this is.

As I write memorial responses, I've come to see that the other half of "Team Johnson" is no longer here to encourage me--to cheer me on.  There are no emotional high five's, no "Thanks for all you did for me today."  And so I need to find that encouragement Pete often showered on me within myself. That PITA is gone, but so is his encouragement and gratitude that propelled me forward.

With heartfelt words I often write in my responses, "We miss him."  We certainly do.