Ten months out--the first summer...

It’s my first summer without Pete.  How sad he can’t see how green the lawn is, how the new hedge is leafing out, how the kitchen is looking brighter with the updates. 

I’m doing well, I think.  Rarely do I feel lonely, and perhaps that’s because I’m at peace with being alone.  I’m finding myself filled with gratitude, being grateful for all the richness that has enveloped me.  And this ironically comes following Pete’s and Mom’s deaths.

So the richness...well some of it comes from feeling more financially secure, if there is such a thing. Given the world situation and the tenuous state of one’s health, is there really such a thing as “security”?

I’m finding it interestIng that my circle of friends and acquaintances is growing.  I like that the neighbors I’ve lived near for 13 years and I have developed a closer relationship.  I like that my new neighbors and I share a closeness that hadn’t existed before with the previous ones.

I also find myself thinking more decisively, being more bold in my conversations, focusing my thoughts (well...usually).

I see it’s 10 months to the day that Pete passed away.  Ten months.  His ashes still sit in his room, for we still call it “Pete’s room.”  No burial yet, and that’s fine with me.  I carry him in my heart.  He goes everywhere with me and sometimes I feel him cheering me on, for he’d always championed me, always encouraged me, always adored me.

Above all, I’m grateful for my health.  If only Pete could have had pain-free days like those I have, if only he could’ve challenged his body and enjoyed a good workout like I do.

So even though it’s been 10 months, I know Pete is still whispering in my ear and pushing me forward to explore, to accomplish, to be curious.  I’m hoping I don’t disappoint.